Working Through Addictions….A Page for Alcoholics and Their Families:

Do You Have a Drinking Problem  ? An Outline of the Problem and the Solutions:

Do you think you may have a drinking problem?  You are not alone!  And there is help.  Take this assessment to help you determine if you have this problem.  Is AA for you?   https://www.aa.org/self-assessment If so, read on. 

Alcoholism is an emotional/mental condition.  It is also about body chemistry.  Alcohol is converted to a morphine-like substance in the blood of an alcoholic.  Alcohol is so addictive to some people because they have a genetic condition. The condition also has an emotional and mental component.  Basically any addiction Involves feelings that the person does not want to feel. They use their substance to avoid (or numb) the feeling. It is a progressive disease. At first the person uses their addiction to avoid bad feelings like anger, grief, sorrow, sadness, and depression. But later as the disease progresses, the person becomes uncomfortable with all feelings.  An addicted person will then use the substance to avoid even happy feelings.   There is also a mental component of obsession.  They obsess about the substance because they believe it is the only thing that can help them. In reality, there is a better help.  The program of Alcoholics Anonymous is just that.

The body of an alcoholic needs the alcohol or else the person could go into seizure, shakes, or even possibly die.  This is the reason that most people who choose to get sober do so in the safe environment of a detoxification center, usually located within a hospital.  A prescription medication is used to prevent seizure.

After detox, many choose a rehabilitation live-in center for a month or more.  The rehab offers group therapy, supportive medication if needed, and one-to-one therapy.  

Ultimately, the solution is for the person to feel their feelings.  This is a big challenge.  Addictions numb feelings. Starting to feel your feelings again is like jumping into an ice cold pool.  It feels shocking initially, but you eventually get used to having feelings.  And that is healthy and normal.  If you are going to quit, you only want to have to go through this once!  There is an end to the suffering and there is hope.  

There are many 12-step programs today for most major categories of addictions.  For some addictions the idea is that the person must completely abstain.  This would be true of alcohol, drugs, and sugar; for example.  For things like food and sex addiction, the idea is to stick to a plan.  The plan is created with the help of someone else who has been through that.  

For alcoholism the rule is: don’t pick up the first drink. Once alcohol is consumed, there is complete powerlessness over the next drink and the next.  That is why it needs to be avoided completely for an alcoholic. 

You can learn so much more in an atmosphere of friendship and freedom from judgment.  Alcoholics Anonymous provides a safe place to learn and share as you may wish.  It is an anonymous program, which means that members go by first names only.  What is shared in the rooms stays in the rooms.  There is no crosstalk and there are no comments allowed based on what you share, unless you request feedback verbally during your share. There are no records kept of who has been to what meeting.  

What are meetings like?  They can get intense.  Very deep and emotional things are said.  People are going through drastic experiences, but yet never waste a chance to laugh together about what life brings.  The sharing bonds members together.  A member is elected beforehand to lead the meeting.  They simply read the opening statements, ask people to do some readings, call on who will share next, and enforce rules of the program.  One rule would be no crosstalk.  So if crosstalk occurs, it is the leader’s place to shut it down immediately by saying, “No crosstalk please.” Leaders do not comment on shares, just as members are not permitted to do so either.  

Meetings are free, but donations from members are encouraged to keep meetings self-supporting.  Often a meeting takes place in a library or church or civic center in which rent must be paid.  Literature can be bought at meetings or on the website www.aa.org.

Just a tip: If you are new to AA, go to a beginner’s meeting preferably.  This is where you will learn the basics.  But you are welcome at any meeting.  Non-alcoholics are only able to attend “open AA meetings”.   

When and if you can, buy a daily reader.  It is a little book that has a reading for each day of the year.  Preferably read the page in the morning.  It will help set your resolve for the day.  The AA Big Book is available for free online in English at https://aa-netherlands.org/big-book-online/

How to find a meeting: Here’s a phone app: https://www.aa.org/meeting-guide-app  

Otherwise you can go to https://www.aa.org/find-aa

Find a meeting near you and just show up!  It is recommended to go at least once a week, but some people go every day at first.  

You are valuable.  Remember that there is the real you behind the illness, wanting to come out. It is possible to recover.  It is possible to find out who you are and fulfill your potential.  Best wishes on your journey!

More About Feelings:

Most addictions, including alcoholism, are damaging to families, personal wealth, health, and sanity.  So why are addictions so popular?  The idea behind most addictions is very simple: The person wants to avoid feeling some feeling.  As the illness progresses, the person tries to avoid every feeling, both good and bad.  It usually begins with a bad experience.  Lost relationships, war, abuse, death of a loved one, or any kind of other loss may trigger an addiction to begin.  So you could say that the person is trying to cope with negative feelings by avoidance and emotional numbing.   But think about it: would drinking ten beers make the grief of a death in the family go away?  Not exactly.  The feeling is still there; it’s just pushed down.  The feeling will always be a part of them, deep inside.  

The solution is loving one’s self enough to push through one’s own feelings.  Feelings must be honored, worked through, and eventually moved beyond.  This may involve crying, punching a pillow, or yelling.  It’s the only way to make the feelings disappear.  The person may always remember how they felt about the loss, but the pain and power of the loss is faded and can no longer harm them. 

God gave us feelings for a reason.  He wants us to feel alive with the heart of flesh He has gifted to us.  Having a heart of flesh means we are vulnerable to pain, but it also means we can experience great joy and love.  We can be truly present for the ones we love. We laugh with them, cry with them, and hug them from the heart.  And when Christ sets you free, you will be free indeed!  Pray and ask that the desire for alcohol be taken.  Give it to Jesus. Feel your feelings.

Note: Quitting alcohol may require medical treatment for people who are addicted.  Life-threatening seizures may occur for some people.  Please seek the advice of a medical doctor.  

Suggested Reading:

Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book by Bill Wilson.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions by Alcoholics Anonymous

To Families/Friends of Alcoholics:

A person who lives with an alcoholic for a time often falls into the role of codependency.  It is a syndrome.  This means that they may become obsessed with being outwardly focused on the alcoholic.  This causes problems with the codependent’s self-care and also has several  negative effects on the alcoholic.  It is very important to get better from the syndrome of codependency in order to be mentally and emotionally healthy. Getting better from codependency also helps the alcoholic, especially if they are trying to get or stay sober. 

Codependency affects the family in many ways, some of which are:

The family member may become obsessed with caretaking to a point that they do not even recognize their own needs or feelings.  They may neglect their appearance, job duties, house cleanliness, appointments, health, and social life.  (Keep the focus on yourself.  Practice self-care no matter what happens.  Try to think of what you are feeling and what you want and need right now.)

They may allow the alcoholic to isolate them. (If you accept that, it is unfair to yourself.)

They may try to control the alcoholic in vain by pouring liquor down the drain, etc. This can be very frustrating.  It’s a fight one cannot win.  (Do not pour out liquor. Let them have their journey.  Keep the focus on yourself.)

They may live in fear of the alcoholic’s behavior, the future, the finances, etc. (The answer is to keep the focus on yourself and nurture your own needs.)

They may feel responsible for the alcoholic’s behaviors, leading to embarrassment.  (You are only responsible for yourself and your choices.)

They may argue with the alcoholic. (Alcoholics may start fights to distract people from their drinking, or as a way to have a reason to drink.  Don’t get sucked into arguments.) 

They may feel trapped and believe they have no choices.  (In fact they have been making choices all along without realizing it.  Many healthy choices still remain to be lived out.)

Families of alcoholics inevitably feel powerless, helpless, and hopeless as the disease of alcoholism progresses.  (The three C’s: You didn’t cause it; you can’t control it; and you can’t cure it.  You are powerless over the alcoholic and their disease, but you are not powerless over you.  You can detach with love from the tragedy enough that you allow yourself to have a good life at least. You must accept the situation, changing only the things you can.  You don’t have to go down with the alcoholic.  It’s OK to save yourself.)

The idea is: keep the focus on yourself.  Focus on self-care. Detach with love.  Feel your own feelings.  Try to avoid making the detoxing or newly sober alcoholic angry if possible.  They need a neutral environment that is not stimulating.  Dont pour out liquor or try to control the alcoholic.  Let them have their journey and their feelings.    

Detach means realize you are separate person.  You need not be the other person or feel their feelings.  Have and identify your own feelings.  “With love” means you can detach without being cold or unfeeling.  Sympathize but from your distance.

Allow the alcoholic to “hit bottom.” Many will decide to get sober if they realize that they’ve lost so much. The advice is: Do not create a crisis, but do not prevent one if a crisis is in the natural course of events. 

It is recommended to not make any major decisions at this difficult time until you learn more.  Do not leave a spouse for now, unless you are in danger.

Join an AL-Anon group for support and to learn more. 

How codependency affects alcoholics:

A wife can draw a newly sober alcoholic back into drinking if they do not recover from their codependent behaviors. 

Codependency helps the disease of alcoholism to keep going and going, on a steady downslide.  Caretaking an alcoholic does for them what they should be doing for themselves.  It keeps them in the disease because they never hit bottom.  They cannot see what a mess they’ve made of their lives.  They can easily go into denial.  Codependents are always taking away the bad consequences of the alcoholic’s drinking, for example: neglect of household, neglect of personal tasks, not showing up to work, or leaving empty beer cans in the car. Codependents often clean all that up for them. (Don’t.)

Alcoholics start disagreements to bring on a scolding.  This gives them a reason/excuse to drink more to block out the feelings from the scolding. Then they need not remember their emotional pain from the past. It’s all major distraction.  Codependents get lured into angry arguments. (Do not scold.  Refuse to participate in arguments.)

Some codependents unconsciously encourage the alcoholic to drink because of changes in the alcoholic’s mood, behaviors, or abilities.  (Allow them to get sober and discover the person behind the disease.)  

Suggested readings:

Codependency by Henry Cloud and Townsend

Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book by Bill Wilson. There is a chapter to wives

The Big Book can be read online for free.